I got the rash.

About a week ago I upped my dose of Lamictal, and got the rash.  It was a spindly red map, like that of those pictures of rivers and lakes taken from space.  It covered my upper left leg.  I was immediately taken off the meds.  Now I’m in between with little to no meds.  I’m spiraling again.  I was feeling so good, and keeping a great perspective, hence the lack of posts.  Everything was smooth for a few weeks and I had hope that I had found stability.  I’m here to say, that isn’t the case unfortunately.  More trial and error in store.

I’m currently not getting along with my husband, I feel uninspired, and I feel agitated.  I’m sick of medicines that don’t work or those that poison me.  I am, in the midst of it all, trying to keep my head as level as I can.  I can’t go on any new meds for a few weeks because of the Lamictal allergy.  I’m trying to use visualizations to keep my mind focused.  We’ll see how those work.  They appear to be working a little bit, as I’ve not totally dropped off the edge.  I visualize myself being healthy and healed.  Anything is worth a try at this point.  Especially anything that isn’t a chemical.

A Gift To Share From A New Friend

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

– Jelaluddin Rumi,
translation by Coleman Barks

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rumi Link about the author

Dark Depression

I can’t tell if this medicine (Lamictal)  is helping or making it worse.  My depression is so dark and lingering this time.  I feel much self hatred.  I start to wonder how many times I can be forgiven by those around me for these long lulls of deprecation.  Daily, I am now having out bursts of anger and despair.  It doesn’t take up the entire day, but it does occur daily.  I start the day thinking, baby steps.  Thinking it’s a new opportunity.  And then something sets me off and I’m below where I was the previous day.

I can’t help but cry because of my attitude and the destruction I make in these moods.    I have people in my life giving suggestions for my well-being, and their intentions are  kind, but I can’t seem to appreciate it even though I want to.

I’m still waiting for this to pass.

I Now Know Why

My grandma had schizophrenia.  She used to layer her coats and hats on and try to walk back to her Pop (her deceased father).  I never understood her obsession with going back home to Pop until tonight.  I was sitting there in an extreme mixed state: deeply depressed yet severely agitated at the same time.  I was thinking, as I have often in my past when things get uncomfortable, how I would like to just move back home and be close to my mom.  I’ve usually chalked this up to escapism, but tonight I realized it is this deep drive to feel safe and most importantly to revisit a space where you weren’t sick.

I think my grandmother just wanted to feel sane, she wanted to go back to a time when she was well.  I now know why.

Lamictal. I’m afraid of medicine.

So I have a fear of taking medicine.  I’ve spent most of my life avoiding taking any.  When I was 17 I purposefully overdosed on sleeping medication and spent a few days in ICU from it.  Every since then I get a horrible anxiety when I start a new medicine.  And this whole thing about a potential deadly rash from Lamictal isn’t helping my fear.

Tonight I start the Lamictal.  This will be added to my ‘generic’ Zyprexa (Oliza-5) that shipped from India.  I feel uneasy about both of them.  I ordered my generic Zyprexa from Canada and it came from India.  Not sure how that worked out.

The reason for the Lamictal is because of a now 4 week depression that feels never ending.  I’m weeping, I’m sleeping 16 hours a day, I feel guilt and worthlessness.  I can’t enjoy many things that I usually do.  I’ve swung to the opposing pole this time and it’s debilitating. This roller coaster came to a crashing stand still and now I’m nursing the pain.

I’ll keep everyone posted on the meds and any side effects.  The pharmacist said she’s not seen many people get the rash and to just stop immediately if anything should come up.  Wish me luck.

Secret Amnesiatic Hole

I couldn’t remember the name of the corner grocery store yesterday, let alone using my brain to actually focus on work.  My head is still not invested. My desire to write has completely dropped off, and any projects I was working on have sunk down some secret amnesiatic hole.  My brain is a mushy pile of sleepiness.  Anyone else have this problem from medications?  I seriously want to go off of them.

I have to admit, I’m still not cured.

I feel like I’m going around acting like I feel better, because in general I do feel a lot better than last week.  But, I still actually feel a bit low and uninspired.  I can’t seem to get my drive back, it’s melted away down some crevice.  I still want to nap every day, and I have absolutely no interest in, or drive to get any work done.  I’m trying not to get discouraged.  My therapist pointed out that I have been on an exhausting weekly roller coaster for months now and to take it easy on myself.  Especially with the guilt.

It just doesn’t feel sexy to feel blah all the time and uninspired.  But it’s where I’m at.  Love me or leave me I guess.

Stepping out of the sell out

Today is the day I let it all go.  I realized being this or that doesn’t matter.  My aspirations were smoke illusions, contrived.  Today, I let me be me, as is.  Depressed or not: no good, no bad.  It is what it is, my life.  I’m happy to learn from it all, even when it hurts.  What a weight that’s been lifted.  This is what it means to gain wisdom, age, experience.  You start to notice what is important, and shed what is not.  Things have been pointing to this all week and I finally got it today.

In the hole, sinking.

I’ve succumb to a depression that is turning out to be the deepest one I’ve experienced  while on medication.  I’m feeling the pain of being me in a low state.  I don’t feel valuable, I don’t feel adequate, I don’t feel like reading, or writing, or talking to other people. I don’t feel like leaving, though I don’t like sitting here either. I do feel like sleeping it away and escaping.

You always hope some magic pill will save you from these, but I have yet to find one.  Maybe another upping of my dose will work, who knows.  What I do know is, on the days that I don’t run I feel like shit, but I’m not supposed to run every day for my training.  I could have done yoga today but I felt to uninspired to get my ass up and do it.  I’ve done basically nothing all day.  I feel like crying for no reason.

I do know that this will pass, so I’m not getting too attached to it.  I just hope it passes soon, as I am sinking.

Bipolar Support Group & Fight Club

So I had never been to a ’support group’ before I was diagnosed bipolar, and when I happened to start going I finally watched Fight Club for the first time (something I had been putting off for years).  So you can see the humor in this, and how affected my outlook was going in  for my first group.  I kept wondering if anyone was lying to sit in.  It appears no.  Everyone was/is the real deal, and yes I do enjoy the community.

So we are all together at first.  We go around and state our name and where we’re at on the ‘mood scale.’  We then break up into smaller groups. One group is for family and friends of bipolar, while the rest are strictly diagnosed.  Once in our small group we each take turns talking about what went on that week.  I have to say that most of the people in the group do not work.  This worries me because I’ve had such a difficult time keeping a job myself and I was hoping with the medication that I would become a productive working member of this grand society I partake in.  Looks like my chances are better, but still not great.  Though in the back of my head I keep reminding myself that Ted Turner is bipolar, and that he’s done OK for himself.

Another main topic is switching drugs.  Every time I’ve gone, I’ve spoken about my own trails with the medications and everyone always gets into the conversation.

Some people come to vent about their normal life, some come to vent about other people in their lives, some come to share their recent hospitalizations, and some talk about the bipolar.  The great thing about these groups is that you can use compassion, and your listening skills, you can see how you communicate to others, and you can offer positive feedback.  There are many benefits.  I suggest finding a group and participating.